


Forget the Rest

by yamagusheep



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Eating Disorders, Family Issues, M/M, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, So much angst, Suicidal Thoughts, im so sorry, not so secret feelings, really sad yamaguchi, there are not enough sad yamaguchi fics
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-07-20
Updated: 2014-12-24
Packaged: 2018-02-09 16:09:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 9
Words: 13,405
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1989312
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yamagusheep/pseuds/yamagusheep
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Yamaguchi Tadashi had never fit in with his classmates. He never understood what was so different about him that drove other people away. He eventually came to the conclusion that it was his appearance; his personality couldn't be bad at all, and certainly not as bad as his one and only friend, Tsukishima Kei. Yamaguchi learns to love himself and learns that that's a key point in changing and growing.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. reflections

**Author's Note:**

> i was really feeling a strong desire to write about a sad Yamaguchi, who devotes almost all of his time to trying to build up his confidence but it's always shattered by his best friend Tsukki, who manages to overwhelm him multiple times.

" _Pathetic_." 

 

From that day on, Yamaguchi Tadashi looked up to Tsukishima Kei. His sheepish, shy personality still remained that way around him, despite becoming best friends. Though, to Yamaguchi, their friendship looked completely one-sided if anyone who didn't know them took a glance. The thing was, Tsukishima never rejected him and it gave Yamaguchi the go ahead to stick around. He wasn't going to leave if he wasn't being told to, and hell, if it came to that after so many years, he didn't know what he'd do. Tsukki and Yamaguchi were side by side every day, and personally, Yamaguchi didn't want, nor did he expect, that to change, but Yamaguchi's luck always seemed to run out in the end.

Yamaguchi had never been a super happy person on the inside, at the very least. His smile was bright whenever he wore it, his dimples showed, his nose scrunched up, and he was sweet to everyone he talked to. He didn't have a super good reason to be so down all the time. He had a roof over his head and food on the table. He supposed his support system was never too good and he knew he couldn't rely on anyone but himself. He was collapsing from the inside out and it was not stopping anytime soon. 

 

**\---------------  
**

 

Tsukishima was staying at Tadashi's house for the weekend. Yamaguchi had forgotten to tell his parents before he left school that day that Tsukishima would be staying, and they clearly didn't get his text, so they didn't mind yelling at each other, using their loudest voices possible. It was embarrassing when the screaming, and Yamaguchi was aware that Tsukishima didn't know this was what was happening when he wasn't around for the parents to make nice. 

"Sorry, Tsukki," Yamaguchi whispered as he sat on his bed, biting his lip and looking down at his feet and back up at Tsukishima, face flushed with embarrassment. 

Tsukki shrugged nonchalantly, adding a little grunt afterwards. Silence followed, then a crashing sound from downstairs. Yamaguchi bit down on his lip harder, trying not to cry like he normally did if he were alone. His parents fighting was awful to hear and worse to see. He remembered it from since he was a little boy, back in elementary. He didn't understand why they didn't just split up like any reasonable couple. If he thought too much, he always wondered if that was what love was truly like- sticking by your partner's side, no matter what happens, even if they hurt you over and over for so long. Why? Why could that be? Was it _really_ love?

Tsukishima noticed Yamaguchi's face, strained and eyes closed. He was blocking out the screaming. He wasn't very good at comforting people, and especially those he cared about (he wasn't completely heartless). So, instead of words, he gently settled a hand on the brunette, startling him. Yamaguchi looked up to see Tsukki with a very small smile on his face. Most likely, if one wasn't around him enough to see the difference, it'd be the same as his dull expression, but Yamaguchi noticed it right away. He leaned gently into the touch, finding a lot of comfort in it.

"Thanks, Tsukki."

 

  **\---------------**

 

During practices, Yamaguchi worked on his jump float serves, striving to be able to do _something_ right. He blushed and grinned sheepishly when Sugawara-senpai complimented him, letting him know it was looking better every day. It really boosted his confidence, something he didn't have much of anymore- and never really had in the first place. He got more compliments, even one from Kageyama! It was pretty minor, but hey, it was something, and he had to be doing something good if the skilled server was complimenting his amateur serves. Eventually, the only person he wanted to compliment him was the only one who hadn't. Tsukishima. Everything Yamaguchi did, he wanted it to be good enough for him, for his only friend, the only person who had came into his life and hadn't left. He was starting to feel a bit desperate for his attention, but he didn't do anything to get it. He would do stuff for Tsukki, he would give everything he had, even if it meant getting nothing in return. That's how it worked for him, and that way of living didn't seem as if it would change. 

On the way home, Yamaguchi walked silently behind Tsukishima, looking down at his feet most of the time. Tsukishima knew exactly how Yamaguchi felt toward him, and he didn't feel the same. He didn't dare tell Yamaguchi, knowing it would probably shatter him completely. He knew the time would come when he'd have to tell him, because Yamaguchi would eventually confess. Tsukishima stopped and looked back at Yamaguchi. 

"See you tomorrow," he said in the same tone of voice that he always used. Yamaguchi nodded.

"Bye, Tsukki," the freckled-face boy replied, slowly trudging off in the direction of his home. He knew he'd walk in to his parents fighting. He was right. They didn't notice him, as usual, and what he heard was different from any topic he heard them fight about. It was about him, their son. 

Yamaguchi Tadashi loved his parents, even if they fought. He loved them and he knew that they loved him too. Being called a failure by his parents certainly wasn't a way to feel loved by them. 'He's a failure, you were never there for him!' and 'That's not my fault if he's a wimp' and other things of the like ran through his mind as he slowly and silently made his way into his bedroom, setting down his bag. He locked the door behind him and he let himself cry. It was different, hearing it from classmates, but his own parents... honestly, he didn't believe it. They were being stupid. No, he was being stupid. He knew those things were true, why was he crying? _Wimp_. He was a wimp, that's why he was crying. He was too damn sensitive, and he knew he shouldn't be. He should be fine. He should be strong. He should be like Tsukki, being able to handle it all by himself. He was old enough to do so. 

But Yamaguchi couldn't. He already had self-esteem issues, he absolutely hated himself for being a pathetic, untalented wimp. He hated being a failure. He hated being attached, he hated relying on others, he hated relying on Tsukki. He hated loving that boy. He hated being gay. He wanted to be normal. He wanted to be athletic and he wanted perfect, unmarked skin. Yamaguchi Tadashi saw all the things he hated in the mirror. His reflection was disgusting. He gripped the sides of the sink's basin, gritting his teeth as tears slid down his face. He raised a hand and took out all of his anger, all of his hatred and self-pity on the mirror. It shattered in front of him and he didn't care that his hand was bleeding, that the impact seemed to shatter his heart, too. That was okay. He no longer saw what he hated; only remnants of the broken reflection. 

 

 


	2. unnoticeable

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things happen for Yamaguchi and Tsukishima. Yamaguchi is a mess.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> o-t-pls.tumblr.com if you have any requests!!

Yamaguchi Tadashi didn't go to school the next day. He didn't send or receive any texts from Tsukishima until after practice was out. 

' _I'm coming over._ ' the text read. Yamaguchi replied with an affirmative, lying still in his bed. He had tweezed the glass out of his hand, and he was sure he had gotten it all out. He bandaged it all up, and luckily, his parents hadn't heard a thing. He managed to clean the bathroom up all by himself and it's not like his parents would walk into his bathroom to see that his mirror was destroyed. His eyes were red and puffy and he probably looked like shit. He didn't care, though. He wasn't feeling good at all. All of the memories of being teased and bullied came back to him, clear as day. The one time he had been physically bullied was there, too, haunting him. He wasn't sure why. He didn't want them there. 

His mom let Tsukishima in and let him up into his room. She had the same look as her son; tired, worn out. She was wearing thin. Yamaguchi was already there. A soft knock came from the door and he called out softly, letting Tsukishima know it was okay to come in. He was sitting up now, a small smile on his face as Tsukishima walked in with his earphones around his neck. Seeing Tsukki here gave Yamaguchi a tight feeling in the bottom of his stomach, as if it were being pulled closed and tied in knots. It did the same thing to his heart, too. 

"Hey," Yamaguchi said, giving Tsukki a smile. Tsukki joined him on the bed. 

"Why weren't you at school?" he asked, not greeting him. He noticed how Yamaguchi's eyes weren't the same, and how his hand was bandaged. He wouldn't be able to play volleyball like that.

"I'm not feeling the best," Yamaguchi said. He wasn't lying, so he had nothing to worry about, except for the fact that Tsukishima knew that it wasn't that simple. 

"What happened to your hand?" Asking questions was the best method to get Yamaguchi to talk. He knew that the boy wouldn't lie to his best friend, and if he did, he could see right through it. 

"I... I punched a wall," Yamaguchi answered, biting his lip. Tsukishima clucked his tongue, searching through his soft eyes with his own. 

"Why?" 

"I was angry." 

The answer was good enough. Tsukishima pinched Tadashi's nose gently and the skin-on-skin contact made the receiving end feel a little better. He was glad that Tsukki had come to see him. "Thank you, Tsukki," Yamaguchi whispered as he leaned up and gently pressed his lips to Tsukishima's smooth cheek.

 

** \--------------- **

 

Tsukishima's eyes widened slightly in shock and he drew away from the younger boy, obviously a bit confused. Yes, he knew that Yamaguchi liked him, but why would he get a kiss on a cheek in this situation? Yamaguchi realized what he did and he scooted away from the blonde quickly.

"Sorry, Tsukki!" he said desperately. Why was he so stupid? What would Tsukki say? He bit his lip as the thoughts ran wild in his head. He didn't mean it, it just happened! Tsukishima looked at him, shrugging with his usual disinterested look. 

"It's whatever," Tsukishima said, leaning back on Yamaguchi's bed. Yamaguchi bit his lip, nodding slightly before slowly leaning on him.

"Tsukki. I... I like you." Yamaguchi stuttered over his own words, trying not to sound too stupid. He wasn't really one to hold anything back when he wanted to to tell someone something when they needed to know. Tsukishima looked at him, nodding. 

"I know." The response made Yamaguchi worry but he figured that he shouldn't get his hopes up. The question came from Yamaguchi's lips without a second thought.

"A-and you?" Tsukishima looked at Yamaguchi through his glasses, the light giving them a glare, covering part of his honey colored eyes. 

"I'm sorry, Tadashi." The words stung Yamaguchi but he nodded, accepting the fact that his best friend didn't care for him the way that Yamaguchi always had.

"It's okay, Tsukki," Yamaguchi said, offering another small smile to reassure the blonde, and himself. It didn't help. He still felt awful and stupid; why would Tsukki care if he liked him or not? He looked back at his lap, biting down on his lip. Honestly, why did he even care? It was stupid. Tsukki wouldn't ever love him. It seemed like no one ever would for the time being. 

That was okay. He was getting used to it. Yamaguchi wouldn't talk about his feelings to anyone, even his best friend. If he did, they probably wouldn't care and even if they did, it'd be a burden. He didn't want to cause more problems. His very presence was a problem. The pit in his stomach sat there and Yamaguchi knew it wouldn't be leaving anytime soon; the strings of his heart were being tugged on every second and Yamaguchi sure as hell knew that that wouldn't stop. He was helpless.

Tsukishima ruffled his hair lightly. "Let's play a video game," he said, and so they did.

 

**\---------------**

 

It was that night after Tsukishima left that Yamaguchi beat himself up. He laid in bed, desperate to get a good night's rest for once, but he couldn't. He held a pillow close to him, body shaking as he cried silently into his pillow. Heavy sobs racked in his throat, straining it, but he didn't let himself make a single sound. He didn't know why he was so sad and he felt that it was stupid to be sad over nothing. Fuck, why did he do this to himself? Why did he feel so bad? His heart pounded against his chest and he listened to its beat in his ears as he shoved his face in his pillow.

His mind reeled back to Tsukishima. Yamaguchi did _everything_ for Tsukki and he got absolutely nothing in return. Why was that? Was he not worth the trouble? Of course he wasn't, he thought. 

 _I'm a pathetic kid_ , he thought. Yamaguchi Tadashi wasn't one who let things go so easily. He wouldn't give up on Tsukishima Kei, the boy he was too far in love with. He wouldn't give up on mastering a jump float serve. He wouldn't become a failure. Yamaguchi Tadashi didn't believe these things would actually go in his favor.

 

**\---------------**

 

The next day, a Thursday, Yamaguchi went to school and was as normal as ever. He got a few questions about his hand and he told everyone who asked, "I fell and tore it on a nail. I'm okay!" with a big, sheepish smile. He still practiced his serves at practice and the team asked him if his hand was okay. He gave them the same answer that he gave everyone else, notifying them that it was just skin that was torn, nothing else. 

Tsukishima gave him a sidelong glance each time he told the lie, his eyes piercing and they almost looked ablaze. He figured he wouldn't say anything, not in front of people, knowing that Yamaguchi hated having unwanted attention drawn to him. If anything, he was sort of satisfied with being the only one knowing what really happened. He had Yamaguchi's trust, something that could easily be crumbled. He didn't understand why Yamaguchi would lie about this sort of thing, though, but he let it slide. He figured that he could do that for him. 

Tsukishima would do this for him, trying his best to make up for not loving him. 


	3. clearing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yamaguchi spends time alone in a field Tsukishima taken him to once before.

" _This is my favorite place to be_." 

 

The memory, going back to his second year in middle school, was so vivid. He remembered everything they did that day. Yamaguchi closed his eyes as he remembered it again, the smell and sounds coming back as he stood in the same exact place he stood two years ago. Tsukishima had brought him here those two years ago. They had held hands, something Yamaguchi loved even back then. They had lain together in the soft grass and joked with each other for a little bit. He had seen Tsukki, his dear Tsukki, smile. 

 

\---------------

 

_"Tsukki, look!" Yamaguchi exclaims, pointing at the patch of beautiful flowers nearby. There were many butterflies fluttering around and landing on the flowers. Everything was so colorful, so lively. Tsukishima smiled, looking down at his best friend and then at the butterflies. Yamaguchi was grateful that Tsukishima took him here, and he slowly reached out to Tsukki, taking his hand in his own. Tsukishima didn't say anything, but he didn't reject him, either._

_"I come here all the time," Tsukishima said, starting to walk toward the tree he always sat under to watch the scenery. "I thought you might like it, too."  Yamaguchi nodded, letting the tall blonde know that he did, he really loved it. When he looked up at Tsukki, he was giving him a big smile, one he had never seen before. It made Yamaguchi grin like an idiot. Normally all he saw from Tsukki were his smirks and little smiles whenever they were doing something alone. It was the best scenery he had seen all day._

_The two laid in the grass, Yamaguchi sticking to Tsukki's right side. He looked up at the light blue sky, a smile permanently on his face as he watched the clouds move. The grass tickled the back of his neck but he didn't mind at all. This day was absolutely perfect._

 

_\---------------_

 

Yamaguchi looked around, seeing the flowers and the tree. He hadn't been here since and he was unsure if Tsukishima had come between now and then. Things had really changed since then, he thought as he headed over to the tree. He crouched down, looking for the clean bark where he and Tsukki had carved their initials and the date. He smiled as he placed a light finger to the scarred bark and he traced over it before slumping his back against the tree. He closed his eyes, listening to the sounds of cicadas and the light breeze rustling the surrounding trees and bushes and grass. It was so peaceful here, an element that wasn't displayed at home. He didn't bring his phone with him, not wanting to be interrupted. He wanted to be alone today.

The wild-haired brunette tried to think only of the good things but with every good thing that happened, there were at least two bad things that came along. He couldn't stand it, he couldn't stand thinking about it anymore. He brought his knees up to his chest and sat his chin on them, not noticing that he was crying until a tear drop landed on his knee. He looked at it and wiped his freckled cheeks with the back of his hand and sighed. 

 

**\---------------**

 

Before long, the sun was setting. He had finished all of his homework and had done his forty-five serves before he had come here, so he was planning on staying until dark. He had his eyes closed when he heard a louder rustling coming from where he had entered the field. He looked up and noticed a tall figure. It must be Tsukki. He was right. Yamaguchi quickly wiped his eyes to make sure there weren't any wet spots and he sat up straight, biting down on his lip. Tsukishima was approaching him, hands in his pockets, shoulders slumped back and his head phones around his neck. He sat down next to Yamaguchi without a word spoken. 

Yamaguchi was sure that Tsukki remembered the day they came here as well as he did, so imitating it, Yamaguchi took Tsukki's hand, leaning against him. He heard a light grunt come from the blonde but he ignored it. Tsukishima got Yamaguchi's melancholy vibes, so he let it be and he held his hand to be thoughtful. Tsukishima looked down at the brunette, whose nose and eyes were puffy now. Yamaguchi caught his stare and he blushed a little but he tried not to make it awkward. He ended up making it awkward, though, because then, Yamaguchi leaned up and kissed his best friend. 

Tsukishima was super surprised. He didn't expect it at all, really. He didn't do anything, his eyes staying wide and a scowl making it's way onto his face when Yamaguchi quickly pulled back. 

 _Shit, what the fuck am I thinking?_ Yamaguchi thought desperately to himself. He looked away from Tsukishima right away. "What the hell was that?" Tsukki asked, watching the boy. He was a little irritated because he knew that Yamaguchi knew better. He had to draw the line somewhere. He felt bad for Yamaguchi but he didn't feel bad enough to where he would actually kiss him. Holding hands was a different matter. 

"I'm sorry, Tsukki!" Yamaguchi squeaked, pulling his hand away from the bespectacled boy. He was about to cry again. Tsukishima really, honestly didn't feel anything for him. It hurt knowing that. It hurt so bad. "I don't know, I'm sorry," he whispered, standing up. "I have to go." Yamaguchi ran off back toward his house, a full on sprint, as tears streamed down his cheeks, Tsukishima watching with wide eyes as he left. He turned, looking back at the tree and the carved letters. A sigh escaped his lips, surprising himself. He wasn't used to feeling so... sentimental. He stood and let the way he came, not feeling much different. He touched his lips and closed his eyes on his way home. The feeling was different than anything he'd felt before.  

 

**\---------------**

 

Yamaguchi had never felt so stupid in his life as he did now. His parents were gone from what he knew. His dad was for sure gone, anyway. He had locked himself up in his room, hands clutching his hair tightly as he screamed internally. What the hell? Why did he care so much for Tsukishima? Why did he feel so empty when he had as much as he could get? Yamaguchi didn't expect that much, why was he so disappointed? He sat on his bed, curled up in a way that made him as small as he felt. Fuck. Yamaguchi glanced down at his considerably small thighs. Scrawny. Gross. He looked at the sides, seeing the pale lines. He hadn't been this sad since then. He thought he was doing better, but apparently he wasn't, not at all. The last time he had actually hurt himself he was young and stupid, and he thought that it would help. It did temporarily, but what the hell? It made him feel worse after if he thought about it.

He was considering it again. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> another chapter up, yayyyy. i think the next chapter is going to be hella sad. requests open here or at tumblr! o-t-pls.tumblr.com


	4. hurt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yamaguchi doesn't show up for practice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm so o soryr and ai awnt my bae to feela betewr

Yamaguchi didn't show up for practice the next day, really thinking he couldn't face Tsukishima with what happened between them. Plus, what would happen if they, his team, found out about the multiple burns on his stomach, red and puffy? They didn't look accidental at all, not with how they were lined up and imprinted perfectly on his pale skin. He had lost control of his own thoughts last night. It was what had happened a year or so ago, when he was in the same state as his current one. He couldn't think properly, his breathing was taken in and let out inconsistently and he needed to feel _something_ besides the overbearing sadness that overtook what little common sense he had. 

Sugawara called him in the middle of what was their practice time, surprising Yamaguchi. He answered, biting his lip as he did so. "Sugawara-senpai?" he asked softly. It would be reasonable for the setter to call, considering he cared about everyone on the team. 

"Yamaguchi, why aren't you at practice again?" Suga asked, and Yamaguchi could hear the worry and frown in his voice. He imagined Sugawara standing, arms crossed, and his eyebrows furrowed as they talked. "Are you injured again?" 

"U-Um, I'll be there tomorrow, I'm not feeling well," he half-lied. It wasn't completely a lie because he definitely wasn't feeling good but that was caused due to emotional and mental stress. He was wondering why the team didn't ask Tsukishima, he would know why he wasn't here. 

"Alright. Feel better, Yamaguchi!" Sugawara said, hanging up. Yamaguchi tossed his phone aside, letting out a big breath and laying back. He was shirtless so the fabric of a shirt didn't hurt or rub the burns on his stomach. He felt himself start to well up with tears and he stood up, heading to his bathroom, where he took a long shower. He couldn't distinguish the tears to the water and that was okay. He refused to stay that he was crying, again. He hated being so _weak_. He hated being so _ugly_. Ugly, weak, stupid, gross, faggot, what more could he be? He scoffed vocally at himself. He was all of those. He was a faggot, hell, he loved a guy. He was stupid for being those things. Gross. He was gross, he had an ugly face, why? _Why_? Why was he all of these awful words? Why did people label him like that? 

Before he knew it, Yamaguchi had crippled to the floor, head in his hands as he sobbed. 

 

**\---------------**

 

He had showed up for practice the next day and he stayed as far away from Tsukki as he possibly could. Everyone noticed it, too, and they noticed that he was slower at doing things than the usual upbeat personality he had. Yamaguchi was trying, too, he was trying to seem like the happy boy he always was, but he couldn't. His façade wasn't strong anymore, it was falling apart day by day. Sugawara noticed, too. He noticed how Yamaguchi went to the stalls to change and he followed him, wondering what could be so bad that he didn't change in front of the team like usual. He would have a little chat with him, he decided.

Suga stayed back and he was able to see the red streaks on his lower stomach, littering the what used to be clean skin. They were burns, he recognized. He had a scar from a burn on his leg when he had run into a burning stove, but it wasn't quite as bad as what he saw on Yamaguchi's stomach. That wasn't accidental, not at all. Suga's stomach twisted as he thought of what might be wrong and he quietly headed back to find Daichi. He pulled the captain aside, telling him what he saw. 

Daichi was deep in thought, wondering what they could do. "Well, let's go talk to him," Daichi concluded, "it might help him to know that we care." Sugawara nodded and went to go talk to their underclassman. They found him exiting the bathroom. "Yamaguchi!" Daichi said, smiling softly. 

Yamaguchi visibly jumped. He had been looking at his feet. _Oh no_ , he thought. He was worried they'd found out and were mad at him. But then he saw Daichi's and Suga's smiles and he felt a little relaxed. "Listen, if you need a friend, Suga and I are always here," Daichi continued, placing a gentle hand on the boy's shoulder. "We don't want to see anyone down."

A smile formed on Yamaguchi's lips, trying to get them to believe him. "Thank you guys. I'm fine, I promise," he lied. He figured they knew something was wrong, but he wasn't going to admit to that. He didn't even know why he was so sad. 

 

**\---------------**

 

Days passed and Yamaguchi's burns were healing up. He wasn't able to hide them much around the team, so he had wrapped a bandage around his lower stomach. Tsukishima noticed the brunette's behavior and he was started to get irritated. He walked home with Yamaguchi, wanting to talk about what happened. "Tadashi," he said, causing Yamaguchi to look up at his friend. "What's wrong?" he asked bluntly. He could see through Yamaguchi and he knew that the bandages meant something was wrong. 

"What do you mean?" Yamaguchi asked. Internally, he was really freaking out and he had to keep his voice from breaking. "I'm perfectly fine." The words earned the signature 'tch' from Tsukki.

"I'm your best friend, Tadashi. Don't think that I can't see what's happening. You may like me and I understand how you may feel about me not liking you like that, but hurting yourself is stupid," Tsukishima said, keeping the same level tone of voice. "Why are you even doing it? Because a boy doesn't like you?" Yamaguchi thought that Tsukki wasn't considering his feelings well enough to voice those things. 

Yamaguchi looked up at him. "No, that's not why I'm doing it," he scoffed. "It isn't because you don't like me, it's because _I_ don't like me. You don't understand, Kei. There are so many people who make me feel like shit. One of them is you, the other is me, so don't tell me that why I'm sad is because of a stupid boy like you!" he snapped, turning away from Tsukishima and walking quickly to his home. Tsukishima stood in the same spot, watching him go once more. 

The blonde shook his head slightly, turning to go to his own home, sighing softly. Tadashi really felt that way, huh?

 

**\---------------**

 

He had showed up for practice the next day and he stayed as far away from Tsukki as he possibly could. Everyone noticed it, too, and they noticed that he was slower at doing things than the usual upbeat personality he had. Yamaguchi was trying, too, he was trying to seem like the happy boy he always was, but he couldn't. His façade wasn't strong anymore, it was falling apart day by day. Sugawara noticed, too. He noticed how Yamaguchi went to the stalls to change and he followed him, wondering what could be so bad that he didn't change in front of the team like usual. He would have a little chat with him, he decided.

Suga stayed back and he was able to see the red streaks on his lower stomach, littering the what used to be clean skin. They were burns, he recognized. He had a scar from a burn on his leg when he had run into a burning stove, but it wasn't quite as bad as what he saw on Yamaguchi's stomach. That wasn't accidental, not at all. Suga's stomach twisted as he thought of what might be wrong and he quietly headed back to find Daichi. He pulled the captain aside, telling him what he saw. 

Daichi was deep in thought, wondering what they could do. "Well, let's go talk to him," Daichi concluded, "it might help him to know that we care." Sugawara nodded and went to go talk to their underclassman. They found him exiting the bathroom. "Yamaguchi!" Daichi said, smiling softly. 

Yamaguchi visibly jumped. He had been looking at his feet.  _Oh no_ , he thought. He was worried they'd found out and were mad at him. But then he saw Daichi's and Suga's smiles and he felt a little relaxed. "Listen, if you need a friend, Suga and I are always here," Daichi continued, placing a gentle hand on the boy's shoulder. "We don't want to see anyone down."

A smile formed on Yamaguchi's lips, trying to get them to believe him. "Thank you guys. I'm fine, I promise," he lied. He figured they knew something was wrong, but he wasn't going to admit to that. He didn't even know why he was so sad. 

 

**\---------------**

 

Days passed and Yamaguchi's burns were healing up. He wasn't able to hide them much around the team, so he had wrapped a bandage around his lower stomach. Tsukishima noticed the brunette's behavior and he was started to get irritated. He walked home with Yamaguchi, wanting to talk about what happened. "Tadashi," he said, causing Yamaguchi to look up at his friend. "What's wrong?" he asked bluntly. He could see through Yamaguchi and he knew that the bandages meant something was wrong. 

"What do you mean?" Yamaguchi asked. Internally, he was really freaking out and he had to keep his voice from breaking. "I'm perfectly fine." The words earned the signature 'tch' from Tsukki.

"I'm your best friend, Tadashi. Don't think that I can't see what's happening. You may like me and I understand how you may feel about me not liking you like that, but hurting yourself is stupid," Tsukishima said, keeping the same level tone of voice. "Why are you even doing it? Because a boy doesn't like you?" Yamaguchi thought that Tsukki wasn't considering his feelings well enough to voice those things. 

Yamaguchi looked up at him. "No, that's not why I'm doing it," he scoffed. "It isn't because you don't like me, it's because _I_  don't like me. You don't understand, Kei. There are so many people who make me feel like shit. One of them is you, the other is me, so don't tell me that why I'm sad is because of a stupid boy like you!" he snapped, turning away from Tsukishima and walking quickly to his home. Tsukishima stood in the same spot, watching him go once more. 

The blonde shook his head slightly, turning to go to his own home, sighing softly. Tadashi really felt that way, huh?

 

**\---------------**

 

Yamaguchi felt the pit of his stomach boil with rage. He couldn't believe Tsukki! Did he really think he was that pathetic? The anger that he felt slowly simmered to hurt. He paced back and forth in his room, taking deep and even breaths. Sadness replaced the anger completely, thinking about how Tsukishima might not care about his feelings. Tsukishima was assuming things, assuming that his empty-headed appearance had become his personality, making the reason for hurting himself a stupid one like being upset over a boy. If anything, Yamaguchi was able to get out some words of how he felt. He hated himself, he hated himself so much.

The self-hatred took over the sadness, making Tadashi clench his fists, his teeth gritting. Tears flowed out of his eyes from all of his damned emotions. They fell onto his socked feet, leaving little dark splotches that reflected his freckles. He started crying harder and he wondered why he had to go through this alone. Was he really the only person who would understand this? He didn't believe he was, but out of everyone he knew, he had to be.

 _Oh well_ , Tadashi thought. _This isn't something that anyone else should have to feel_.  


	5. cheat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Heartbreak is something Yamaguchi seems to experience a lot.

Yamaguchi always knew that Tsukishima was straight. He figured so, anyway, knowing Tsukishima wasn't exactly the most loving person ever. Well, he wasn't exactly one to enjoy romantic relationships. He would always deny the girls who confessed to him or those who confessed through Yamaguchi. He was finishing up practice and Tsukishima was waiting outside for him. When Yamaguchi turned off the lights and stepped out, he couldn't believe his eyes. Tsukishima had his back to him, his arms wrapped around a tall figure just barely a few centimeters shorter. It was Nekoma's captain, Kuroo. They were kissing. Their eyes were closed. Neither of the two noticed that Yamaguchi was out there until he roughly slammed the door. He threw the keys at Tsukki. "Lock up," he choked out, quickly walking past Tsukishima and Kuroo. As he passed, he heard Kuroo whisper something along the lines of 'What's wrong with _him_?' which only made Yamaguchi more frustrated. 

He heard Tsukki loudly reply, "He's obsessed with me," and chuckle. Yamaguchi could hear the smirk. Yamaguchi clenched his fists, wanting to hit him so badly, but later, he'd be beating himself up, anyway. There was no point in getting mad at the boy he loved. It would make the blonde hate him more, wouldn't it? He started crying when he knew he was out of their sight or hearing range. He sobbed and he couldn't see very well, so he let himself stop on the side of the road, where he sat for a while. 

 

**\-------------**

 

He heard a couple of voices and he recognized them as Hinata's and Kageyama's. Kageyama was casually insulting Hinata ("Dumbass!") and Hinata's voice was loud and bright, as usual. Yamaguchi looked up, sniffling, and he saw the duo holding hands. When they noticed him, they quickly let go. "It's okay," Yamaguchi assured them when they tried to look for an excuse. Hinata took a seat next to Yamaguchi. 

"What's wrong?" he asked, pouting. Kageyama stood, looking down at the brunette. Yamaguchi sort of just shrugged his question off. 

"Nothing, I'm okay," Yamaguchi answered, not sure if he was just trying to reassure himself or giving Hinata an answer that was obviously a lie. Kageyama scoffed and sat next to Hinata, leaning back on his hands. 

"What a liar," he heard Kageyama mutter and Hinata nodded in agreement. "So, really, what's up?" 

An answer was hard to come by, but Hinata and Kageyama at least seemed sincere. They were his teammates, he could trust them, he thought. "Well, it's about Tsukki," Yamaguchi said, crossing his legs slowly. He wouldn't say what he had actually seen because Tsukki probably wanted to keep that private for now. He supposed no one else knew about Kuroo and Tsukki's relationship if Yamaguchi didn't. "I just am a little worried." 

"You love him, don't you?" Hinata asked bluntly, his head tilted slightly as he looked at Yamaguchi. "You're upset because things definitely aren't working out with him." Kageyama looked at Hinata, puzzled at how easily his little lover read the situation. 

"I guess you're right..." Yamaguchi whispered, biting down on his chapped lip. "I just don't feel well, anyway. It kind of hurt, you know?" The two nodded and followed suit when the freckle-face stood. "Thanks for listening. I'll see you tomorrow." Hinata offered a hug and Yamaguchi gladly took it, though he was careful of his stomach.

"Always here," Hinata said happily, smiling brightly. It put a soft smile on Kageyama's face, too. Yamaguchi wondered how the two boys, so different on so many different levels, were able to make their relationship work out. It didn't seem like it could be that easy. The couple walked away with a quick goodbye and Yamaguchi continued home, not being able to completely stop what seemed like a heartbreak. He could deal with Tsukki rejecting him, but being gay and in a relationship with someone else seemed unreasonable. It seemed like it was intentional. It seemed like Tsukishima didn't care about how Yamaguchi felt, and knowing Tsukki, that was probably what he thought. He probably got a kick out of it, of course, because seeing Yamaguchi sad probably gave Tsukki a laugh with everyone else. 

The thoughts paranoid him at home, where he thought about all of the possibilities. When Yamaguchi was gone, not around to hear Tsukki, what did he say? Would everyone agree if he said something bad about him? The pathetic thoughts made him worry and he couldn't help but freak out over it. His self-worth was forgotten as it dropped quickly everyday. His self-consciousness rose when he was around Tsukki and he couldn't help it. He wanted to be perfect to him, like the blonde was to Yamaguchi. 

Why did loving with all your heart come with the sure fact that it would break repeatedly? He started to understand how his parents may have been thinking this whole time. He stuck by Tsukki through thick and thin and fuck, he would do anything for that bespectacled boy. He knew that even though he loved him, he wouldn't be loved the same way, but everyone does crazy things for the people they love. He didn't understand why Tsukki didn't just break their whole friendship off. Wouldn't that just be the simplest solution to all of his problems? No. It couldn't be. He would stick with Tsukki because he loved him. He wouldn't move from his side as a friend because of stupid feelings. He loved him. He loved him. He loved him. He loved Tsukishima, and all he got in return were crappy remarks and nothing else. He gave Tsukki everything, why couldn't he get a little something in return?

Maybe Yamaguchi was just too nice for his own good. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IM SO SORRY IM SO SAD ABOUT THIS I HAD TO THIS IS ALL PART OF THE PLAN I PROMISE also this chapter sucks because im not home but i rly wanted to write ily guys


	6. bright

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yamaguchi misses Tsukishima.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IM SORRY MY CAT DELETED MY WORK AND THEN IT DELETED BY ITSELF AN D IM SO SRORY

Yamaguchi paced the floor of his bedroom, his heart hammering against his chest as the images of Tsukki and Kuroo came flooding back to him. He was angry after thinking about it so much and how his 'best friend' hadn't told him anything at all. He hated finding out in the worst kind of way, but that always ended up being the way he found out about important things. He felt insignificant after hearing about everyone else knowing at practice earlier, when he casually asked everyone about it. They had said that they knew and they thought the freckled boy knew too.

Yamaguchi ended up giving Tsukishima the silent treatment, though he probably didn't care much about it and most likely didn't take note to it, either. He ignored him all day at practice and during school, only talking to him when it was necessary- when Daichi had requested that he ask him something and bring back Tsukishima's answer. Even so, Yamaguchi had tried to bring the most intimidating glare that he could to his eyes, though he probably only looked silly. He hoped he didn't, with all the pent up frustration that he so badly wanted to take out. The only way he really craved to was to actually do stupid things to himself, which he also didn't want to do at the same time. What if Suga found out? The team would probably end up finding out, anyway, and he didn't want that to happen... though, if he did it on his thighs.... _No_ , Yamaguchi thought, shaking his head. He didn't care if his thighs would hide it, he didn't want to really hurt himself, yet, simultaneously, he really did. He craved the numb feeling he got after each new mark on his skin. He got to finally stop thinking for a while, and he was glad to take any chance of that feeling that he could get.

The pink outlines on his stomach were starting to fade a little after the couple of weeks that they got to heal. He had noticed earlier when he had taken a shower and he was glad they would go away soon enough. They didn't sting anymore, luckily. He was shaken out of his constant thinking when his phone vibrated on his bedside table, a loud buzzing making him jump. He let a breath out softly when he realized it was only his phone, though he hoped it wasn't Tsukishima. That'd make him mad. Ignoring that distasteful thought, he picked up the phone and unlocked it, dreading it almost. He knew that it'd be Tsukki, and he was correct. He internally groaned as he opened the message.

 _ **[Text; Tsukki]**_ _Hey. I'm sorry, alright? I should have told you about me and Kuroo._

Tsukishima was admitting that he was in the wrong? Yamaguchi almost couldn't believe, though, with his attitude, he figured Tsukishima would apologize one way or another. Though, Yamaguchi wouldn't bend so easily. He wanted a real apology as well as the details. When did their relationship even start? The last time they met with Nekoma was almost a month ago... he scowled. That's most definitely when it happened, he remembered. The blonde had left his side multiple times and he didn't question it once. He had, while Yamaguchi was completely oblivious, gone to see Kuroo. He didn't reply to the text, instead tossing the phone back on his bed before getting up to play some music. He figured it could block out something. A familiar song played softly, soon flowing around his head and entering his ears, taking away all thoughts of Tsukki and all things dreadful. He hummed along for a few songs before being rudely interrupted by two loud voices downstairs. Right away, he knew it was his parents.

He sat up on his bed. Yamaguchi hadn't noticed or heard what had happened before the voices started to escalate quickly. To find out what they were exactly talking about- he figured it was something that they talked about frequently; the most common subjects seemed to have the most fuel for their fires- he silently stood from the bed and made his way to the door, peeking his head out to get a snippet of their argument. It was about money, the most common topic of 'discussion' between the two. He let it be and slowly started to shut his door, but stopped mid-way when he heard his name pop up, in a quieter tone.

"Tadashi needs a lot of money for volleyball, you know!" That was his mom. "That's important to him."

"He's not even good at it!" his dad scoffed, and those words stung badly. Yamaguchi clenched his free hand into a fist and slammed his door shut, making sure his parents heard it. He couldn't- he could. He could believe that his father would say that. He had heard a variety of discouraging comments as such, but in this mood, he couldn't take it anymore. He had taken it in all of his life, and it was all building up to this point. He already hated himself, so much, and he kept finding new ways in which others disliked him. Yamaguchi didn't understand why he was so disliked; he knew he was mean or disrespectful to others, like Tsukishima. So why was he so repulsive? Looks, he thought. With freckles and wild hair and being so scrawny, he would never find someone who liked him all that much.

He went back into his bathroom to search through the cabinets, his mind becoming fuzzy. He was thinking straight, he knew that much, but that didn't stop him. He was feeling overwhelmed and desperate for a way out of this lifestyle of feeling terrible all the time. He didn't want to be filled with self-hatred anymore.

 

\---------------

 

Almost a full week passed and Yamaguchi's thighs were healing up nicely underneath this boxers, which successfully covered them when changing. He hadn't let on any signs of pain during practice, though Sugawara had noticed a change in behavior, as well as Takeda and Kiyoko, only watching from the sidelines. Tsukishima had come up to him during practice that Friday, telling him that he should come over soon so they could talk things out. (Yamaguchi had managed to ignore him the whole week.)

Yamaguchi was now standing in front of Tsukishima's front door, waiting for someone to answer the doorbell. To his surprise, Akiteru, Tsukishima's older brother, had opened the door and greeted him. It was a nice surprise, though, because he hadn't seen Akiteru in a few months and he had always admired him, despite the incident years ago. He had gotten over it quickly, unlike the younger brother (who still didn't act like he was over it, because he probably wasn't). Before he knew it, Yamaguchi was quickly embraced in a hug, which was slowly returned. It seemed to last a lot longer than it actually did, but Yamaguchi figured that it was probably because he hadn't hugged anyone in... a long time.

"It's really good to see you, Akiteru," he murmured, drawing away from the hug slowly to get a look at the older guy. The blonde laughed.

"You too, Tadashi! You grew," he said, smiling, though they were still the about the same height. A small smile curved Yamaguchi's lips. "Come on in," Akiteru murmured quickly afterwards, allowing the brunette in as he had many times before when he was still little. After stepping in and removing his shoes at the entrance, Akiteru announced that Tsukishima had just left to go to the store and would be back in an hour or so. He was led to the living room, where he was invited to sit on the couch and talk with the older boy about school and volleyball- mostly volleyball, but he did find out that Akiteru would be leaving in two weeks. Eventually, after about five minutes or so, a subtle silence fell upon the two. 

"How's Kei?" he asked, taking Yamaguchi's mind back to the whole Kuroo/Tsukki situation. The blonde brother noticed the look upon his face and chuckled knowingly. "What about him has got you so upset this time?" Before, Yamaguchi had approached Akiteru to complain about his brother and had undoubtedly worn the same look back then as he was wearing now. 

"I'm pretty sure I was the only person who didn't know that Tsukki was dating someone...." He let out a strained sigh, his frustrations building up and his calm composure breaking down. Akiteru knew about Tadashi's strong romantic feelings toward Kei, and immediately he felt bad. He hadn't known his younger brother was dating someone, either. 

"Well, you're not the only one now. Who's the lady?" he asked, a frown on the blonde's face. 

"It's a guy," Tadashi mumbled. That made the whole thing worse for him. It would be understandable if Tsukishima had liked a girl- he would know that Tsukishima didn't like him because he wasn't gay. Now that he was dating a _guy_ , a guy like himself, he felt insanely jealous and extremely upset. Tsukishima didn't like him like that and he wasn't sure why. He was starting to blame it on his looks because, hell, he knew he was unattractive. He was nothing like Kuroo- tall and built, sexy and outgoing, good at volleyball and he was a leader. Yamaguchi was almost the exact opposite; tall and scrawny, awkward and shy, and he was terrible at leading and volleyball. He hated everything he was, he wanted everything he couldn't be. 

"Oh..." Akiteru breathed out, "I didn't know Kei was into guys. I'm... really sorry, Tadashi." He received a side-hug from their positions on the couch, but despite that, Yamaguchi leaned into his touch, accepting the comfort. He didn't know he was crying until he wiped his eyes subconsciously and felt the wetness on the back of his hand. Instead of showing the older boy, he tucked his face into Akiteru's side, his tears wetting the fabric beneath him. A hand played with his hair and gently brushed through it and he heard a hum start, a soft sound that calmed him down but didn't stop his crying. He hoped Akiteru didn't think he was desperate.... 

"Shh, shh," Akiteru soothed, his hand running up and down Yamaguchi's back. He had turned slightly so he could easily wrap his other arm around his head, stroking his hair gently. "It's okay, Tadashi. I understand how you feel." The brunette was too disheveled to notice the quiver in Akiteru's voice, as if he might cry too. 

"How?" Yamaguchi asked quietly, but when he asked, it sounded a bit selfish. He didn't mean for it to sound that way. 

"Tadashi, look at me," Akiteru whispered, not sounding the slightest bit offended. But Yamaguchi followed his directions and looked up from his side, wiping his eyes, dampening the back of his hand again. Before he knew it, Akiteru kissed him softly, then ended the kiss as soon as it started. Yamaguchi kept his eyes wide, his crying stopped from the shock of the gesture. "I understand how you feel." 

Yamaguchi opened his mouth to think of something to say, but he couldn't. A minute later, it hit him. "Akiteru..." he murmured. "I'm sorry, I didn't know." He felt bad, knowing that Akiteru liked him in the way he loved his little brother and he hadn't even noticed. "I'm sorry...." All those times he talked about how he felt for Tsukki, Akiteru was feeling upset, the way he felt about Kuroo. A shrug was given in reply from Akiteru, a smile still sitting on his lips. 

"I'm... I'm okay with it now. I won't push you to do anything, I want you to be happy is all. I can tell that you aren't," he murmured, engulfing him in another hug. He could tell that Yamaguchi, the boy he knew since he was just an eight year old, was more than just upset about Tsukishima dating someone else. His eyes weren't glimmering when he talked about volleyball and Tsukki playing volleyball like they usually would if he was actually _okay_. "Come on, let's go to my room and we can chat some more, we don't have to sit out here." A nod came from Tadashi and Akiteru walked up the stairs with the brunette, taking him to the room. 

Akiteru shut the door behind them and sat on his bed, patting the seat next to him. Yamaguchi slowly took a seat, biting his lip. "Akiteru, I'm sor-" he was cut off by the blonde's lips on his own. 

"Sh, don't say that. I'm fine. Please, tell me why you're so sad, Tadashi...." How did he know? 

"I'm not," he breathed out, looking at his thighs that looked gross to him. He didn't know how a person could get so gross. "I'm fine, I swear." Though, when Akiteru laid a hand on his thigh, Yamaguchi's breath hitched. 

"You're not. Show me," he murmured. Akiteru knew how to deal with this, he had done it before with previous friends, but this kid... this gem was important. He wanted to do more for him, to take action rather than use his words which wouldn't get to Yamaguchi completely. Yamaguchi knew that Akiteru knew and he couldn't lie anymore, so he followed the boy's advice and slowly pushed his sweatpants down to his knees, revealing the scabbed lines on his thighs. The razor he used had ended up digging deeper into his skin on the sides, which were healing slower than the rest of the cuts. Akiteru studied them and slowly sank between his legs, his hands resting in between the bed and his thighs. 

"Tadashi... you... you can't keep doing this," the older one whispered, his voice breaking. It broke Yamaguchi's heart to know that this _was_ hurting people other than himself. "Please," he whispered, kissing his inner thigh, where there were only a couple cuts that were cut deep into the fleshy place. "I hate seeing you hurt, even when I'm not around. You could always call me when no one else is there." Yamaguchi watched as his tears dropped in between his legs onto Akiteru's comforter. He felt bad for thinking so... selfishly. He watched Akiteru move his lips to the tops of his left thigh, kissing the scabs gently. 

"I'm sorry, Akiteru," Yamaguchi whispered. "I didn't want to hurt anyone but myself." The elder took one of his own hands and reached to entwine it with Yamaguchi's.

"Don't be sorry, okay? Please, don't do this again-" Akiteru's words were cut short by the bedroom door opening and a tall blonde, resembling a younger Akiteru, stood in the doorway, clear bewilderment present on his face. Both Yamaguchi and Akiteru looked to see and when they saw who it was, it was obviously quite a wrong situation to be in. 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's finally done!!! i'm so sorry this took almost a whole month to write, but i'm going to go back and edit the previous chapters for you guys and add more detail as requested!!! thank u im sorry i love u all


	7. confidence

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tsukishima realizes something important.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm glad u all liked the last chapter!! i have a new series coming out soon

Wide amber eyes beneath black frames stared at the two boys on the bed-- well, one on the bed and the other on the floor, in between in best friend's legs. He was utterly confused; had his brother been seeing the brunette the whole time? No, that couldn't be it because of Yamaguchi's persistent confessions, letting him know that he wasn't going to give up on the slim chance of reciprocated feelings... though, the situation had changed. Looking at it from Yamaguchi's point of view, being seen with Kuroo might have given him a concrete answer, as actions spoke louder than words. If that gave Yamaguchi the answer he was waiting for, he could have finally given up on the boy behind glasses. 

Very abruptly, Akiteru stood up from in between Yamaguchi's legs, leaving the boy blushing and rushing to pull his pants up. It wasn't like he hadn't seen the scrawny boy naked before. Though, the dark streaks on Yamaguchi's thighs were new and with a single glimpse, Tsukishima knew what they were, but he wasn't sure why they were there. His mind went back to Akiteru and why he looked like he was totally about to give Yamaguchi a blowjob. He was careful to avoid showing his feelings, so he sneered. 

"Come on, Yamaguchi," he said monotonously, like nothing just happened. Almost immediately a response was given as the freckle-faced boy stood up. 

"Right," he whispered. An apologetic look was exchanged between his best friend and older brother and the younger brother turned before he saw Yamaguchi mouth something to Akiteru. "Thank you." 

 

\--------------

 

The two friends were back in Tsukishima's room, where Tsukishima locked the door behind them. "What were you doing with Akiteru?" he asked Yamaguchi. He watched Yamaguchi closely; the scrawny boy was biting his lip as his eyes started to water. 

"He was being nice, is all," Yamaguchi whispered, not making eye contact with the taller boy. Suddenly, he felt a hard wall behind him and he saw Tsukishima leaning over him, pinning him against the wall. 

"Don't lie to me, Yamaguchi. What were you doing?" Anger was boiling in Tsukishima and he wasn't sure what it was from or why it was happening now. When Yamaguchi didn't answer him, he pushed him harder against the wall. 

"Nothing!" A whimper emerged from Yamaguchi, who just wanted to not talk about it, afraid that Tsukishima wouldn't understand. Tsukishima let go of Yamaguchi and glared daggers at him. 

"Then what was he doing between your fucking legs?" he snapped. 

"He was being a good person, unlike you, Kei. You don't fucking care about me, unlike your brother. This whole time, I've been trying my hardest to make you happy, to make someone happy. I just wanted you to be proud of me, but I knew that would never happen because you don't give a shit about me. At least Akiteru could attempt to make me smile. I don't _want_ to love you anymore." Yamaguchi's voice broke noticeably as he started to cry. "You have Kuroo to worry about, go on and be happy to with him. Either way, I'll still be left behind." 

The words were almost heartbreaking to Tsukishima. He hadn't heard the boy say such heavy things before, and now that he had, he didn't want to again. Spilling out what you felt in your heart couldn't be easy-- Tsukishima was sure he wouldn't ever experience the difficulty of it. Tsukishima didn't have any words to reply with, so he kissed Yamaguchi softly before he was pushed away, rejected with the most regretful look Yamaguchi had ever worn. 

"Tsukki, don't," Yamaguchi begged, "don't do that to me right now." 

"It's what you wanted, wasn't it?" 

"No, I want you to love me. I don't want you to feel bad for me." Tears streamed down Yamaguchi's freckled cheeks. He was trembling and he ended up sitting down as he cried. "Fuck, why didn't you just tell me you had Kuroo? I didn't want to keep hanging onto a stupid thread of hope and have it cut by witnessing a fucking make-out between you and Kuroo." Tsukishima sat next to the boy, feeling bad for not telling him. "Then you proceeded to shake me off in front of him, like I was nothing." 

 _'Cause you aren't anything._ Yamaguchi already knew he wasn't anything, so why did he care so much? "Yamaguchi, what was on your thighs?" Tsukishima asked instead of continuing on with the depressing conversation. Yamaguchi didn't look up at him when he replied with "Nothing" and Tsukishima accused him of lying again. 

"I'm sure I saw something. What the hell have you been doing?" Tsukishima reached out to touch Yamaguchi's shirt, but was pushed away once again. 

"Nothing, don't touch me," Yamaguchi whispered. "I want to go home." He was afraid he'd walk in on his parents fighting again like the night before. It got worse every night and he wanted to go back to a _real_ home, that included affection and peace. Tsukishima didn't say anything because he doubted his words would work for Yamaguchi now. He could see how sad he was and he didn't like it, he didn't want his friend to be sad, so he slowly took Yamaguchi into a hug. He wasn't used to this at all, so he tried to calm himself and make it nice for the two of them. Yamaguchi didn't object and just sank into his hug, crying into the front of his shirt. The boy's shaking and sobbing made Tsukishima feel awful and his heart started to beat abnormally. 

"Yamaguchi, you can trust me. Please, tell me what's been going on. Believe me, I've noticed a change in you recently." His hands were placed on his sides gently as he pulled away to get a look at Yamaguchi's face. He wanted his friend to be alright, to learn to cope with life and to not be so sad. Yamaguchi gave up on refusing and slowly showed him the places where he had started to beat himself up, quite literally. 

"Tsukki, it's so hard to be happy," he whispered, wiping his eyes as he watched the blonde look over his scabs and scars and burns. "I don't know why, I just, I fucking... I don't like thinking about it." Hiccups escaped his lips next, and he tried to quiet them. "I can't do anything right. I'm an embarrassment to my family, I just hate myself right now, okay?" Admittedly, Yamaguchi was ashamed of himself. "I understand why you don't or haven't liked me like that. I don't know why I keep thinking you might one day." 

Tsukishima wouldn't lie if he was asked about Yamaguchi and Akiteru doing things together. He'd say that it was completely ridiculous but he wouldn't care if pathetic Yamaguchi chose to find a sense of comfort while indulging on his older brother. But, as of now, he felt that it would be jealousy talking. He felt pity for the boy he was attempting to talk to. "Why don't you try to do things you want?" Tsukishima asked.

Yamaguchi would say he was being ignorant, but he wasn't that mean. "Everything I wanted to do would be with you, Tsukki. I'm sorry, I wish I could just stop these stupid feelings. I can't, though, so please, just... stay with Kuroo, you can avoid me, I don't care. I want to move on, okay? Please, just let me have that." Yamaguchi squeezed his eyes shut, trying hard to stop his crying. Despite his attempts, it didn't work and the salty water dripped off onto his bare thighs. "I should go," he whispered and stood, pulling up his pants. He didn't want to seem so vulnerable anymore. 

Tsukishima stood up slowly, adjusting his glasses. "Will you please start texting me back, at least? You make me worry. I don't like it." 

The words made Yamaguchi look over his shoulder in surprise. "Yeah, okay... I will. Goodnight, Tsukki." 

On Yamaguchi's way out, he made sure to stop and see Akiteru. A hard, rough kiss was exchanged and Yamaguchi left without a single word. Moving on would be the best solution to his shitty coping skills.


	8. breathe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yamaguchi is happy with Akiteru. Tsukishima wonders what to do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WOW ITS OUT IM SO SORRY HERE U GO I LOVE YOU PLEASE TELL ME IF I NEED TO FIX ANYTHING  
> also kinda nsfw its kinda vague but u know... underage i guess

Yamaguchi hadn’t ever really been interested in sex. At least, not until he found out that it could be used as a great distraction. And so, Yamaguchi approached Akiteru with this request a couple of weeks after his and Tsukishima’s heated ‘discussion’. Akiteru agreed, albeit cautiously due to not knowing whether or not Yamaguchi was sincere with this request. As the brunette became more persistent, Akiteru gave in to Yamaguchi’s sweet tone and the desire of wanting him. When Akiteru agreed to try it out, he and Yamaguchi agreed to a date where they were both free.

Yamaguchi felt very grateful for Akiteru and his experience; on the date they agreed to, Akiteru knew what he was doing already and it made everything run smoothly and left the two feeling good in the end. Akiteru ended up knowing exactly how to handle his partner. Yamaguchi hadn’t been in pain during the act, but before, while preparing, it had hurt. Eventually, Yamaguchi had warmed up to it after a good ten minutes of preparation and he was ready to have some fun.

Yamaguchi had been unsure at first, himself, because anyone would be nervous for their first time, but he trusted Akiteru enough to do this with him. He wanted to, Akiteru wanted to; it would go just fine-- and it did. It was slow and at a pace Yamaguchi was comfortable with. It took his mind to places he had never been before. (Honestly, Akiteru enjoyed the way Yamaguchi clawed at his back, too. It was a first for him.) The once silent room was filled with moaning and creaking, but the ambiance of it all was… _romantic_. His mind stayed away from the blonde he was crying over earlier in the week and focused on a new blonde boy: the one over him, pleasing him in many ways now.

Yamaguchi didn’t expect Akiteru to provide the best aftercare to his sore ass, and he was surprised to find that he was actually excellent at it. (Yamaguchi couldn’t admit out loud that he was grateful the older man had been his first.) Despite the age difference, there were many things that he could find in a more mature, older man that he preferred over a teenage boy; experience was only one thing on the list.

\---------------

As of now, almost an entire month later, Yamaguchi was sprawled out in Akiteru’s familiar bed, watching the rise and fall of his friend’s chest. He wasn’t exactly sure what they were, so he settled on ‘friends with benefits’ in his mind. His own face and chest were flushed, appearing faint on his tan skin, and Akiteru’s pale skin, now red, was calming down. He wasn’t sure how many times he found himself in this bed now. All he really knew, for sure, was that he didn’t feel sorry for himself while he did this with Akiteru. It was a blissful distraction and he wished he could do this with Tsukki -- but that thought was far back in his mind. He didn’t want to let Akiteru down after all of this; he didn’t want to hurt anyone other than himself. The time the two spent together was fun. Yamaguchi didn’t feel like he had to hide anything from Akiteru during the time they had sex and vice-versa.

Yamaguchi made sure that he at least tried to get over Tsukishima and all of those damned feelings so he could focus on Akiteru and the future. The past was something that could be dealt with later; and though Yamaguchi felt that it was weighing him down, he knew there would come a time when it would all be lifted from his shoulders. His case of low self-esteem was slowly fading with the help of Akiteru and, surprisingly, Ennoshita -- a new friend of his. They had hung out a couple of times and Ennoshita, as quiet as he is, was actually very polite and fun and sweet. He was almost the exact opposite of Tsukishima, and he had thought that maybe it was a good thing.

And although his self-esteem was low, he was trying hard to fix it. It would take time, he knew that, but he wouldn’t give up on it. He could get there with the help of friends. He would be out of his home, where his self-deprecating thoughts were worst, in a matter of time. He would be okay, later if not anytime soon.

The two met on days when Tsukishima was surely gone (Yamaguchi wasn’t sure when or how he could face Tsukishima in person after a dispute as serious as it was, all he knew was that it would take some time to build up the courage to speak to him once more) and when they were both feeling like they needed either a distraction or free ecstacy. Akiteru would normally text him a time when Tsukishima would be heading out and Yamaguchi made sure he could fit in free time just for Akiteru. Of course, Yamaguchi still thought about what Tsukishima had said to him and what he said to Tsukishima, but he knew, deep down, that everything would turn out alright in the end.

Though, old habits were surely hard to break, and Yamaguchi was a good example. Despite stopping from the one self-destructive form, he had started others in replacement.

\--

Little to his friend’s knowledge, Tsukishima was aware of their doings. He knew they hung out together regularly-- if you could call it hanging out at all. Jealousy overtook him but he kept it to himself, not wanting to seem like a greedy bastard after all that he and Yamaguchi went through. Plus, he was already with Kuroo. That would be a dick move to him, and he honestly, it would be too tiring to go through all of that with Kuroo and possible rejection from Yamaguchi. But, damn, had he made the wrong choice?

He stayed up late that night, pondering over his choices made in the past few months.

\--

Akiteru was treating Yamaguchi so kindly, it made the brunette’s heart swell with happiness. It gave him comfort on nights when his parents yelled so loudly he couldn’t think properly. Yamaguchi and Tsukishima were almost back to normal, though tension and words that needed to be said hung over them like a volcano waiting to erupt. He realized both of them felt it.

Now, Yamaguchi had Akiteru to consult to when he felt like hurting himself physically while simultaneously hurting himself mentally. It was a cycle that was endless, it seemed, and Yamaguchi hoped that Akiteru could fill in a spot to interrupt the cycle. Things could and would get better, he knew it, he felt it.

Yamaguchi was starting to smile more, he walked with his chin up, _he strutted_. He no longer had to avoid teammates while changing because of his thighs, and _damn_ , it felt good. Akiteru really made a difference, he really stopped the cycle that used to be when he was hung up on unrequited romance. Yamaguchi realized that when he let Tsukishima go romantically, things were really looking up. He loved Tsukishima enough to let him go, and it was a weight off his weakened shoulders.

Being with Akiteru wasn’t just about sex anymore. It was about building a new relationship, a new friendship. It was fun. It was interesting. He got to learn about someone else, someone new and refreshing. Yamaguchi and Akiteru were _happy_ learning about each other, in many ways.

They started to hang out regularly after inconsistent flings, no longer worrying about how Kei saw them. Their hangouts didn’t consist of only sex (and when they did, it was fun and natural, not rough and quick and to the point. It could drag on for hours with kissing and aftercare and passion and emotion. It was nothing like either of them had experienced ever before). Akiteru may cook a nice lunch or dinner for the two, and it was almost just like a date. Yamaguchi was moving on, even if it was with the brother of the boy he loved.

Unfortunately, in the following week, Tsukishima let that volcano erupt. The lava that spewed out of the volcano that was Tsukishima’s mouth was unbelievable. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow i hope you liked it after all this time


	9. exhale

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tsukishima spills, as do Yamaguchi's parents.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow look another update

The following Monday, Tsukishima and Yamaguchi were sitting at their usual lunch table, eating their lunches in a comfortable silence, though Yamaguchi’s complexion looked worse than usual to Tsukishima. Maybe he was sick? Despite the reason, Tsukishima couldn’t stop himself from spilling his feelings.

“Yamaguchi,” he murmured, setting his bento off to the side. The blond looked his friend in the eye, dead serious, “I realize now that I may have more than romantic feelings for you.” Yamaguchi’s face paled (as much as it could, anyway).

Both of them let the words sink in. For Tsukishima, it was weird to say it out loud. Yamaguchi was really just in awe of Tsukishima’s ability to always entertain him in some way or another, bad or good. “Ts-Tsukki.…” The look on Yamaguchi’s face told Tsukishima that it was unbelievable. The brunette shook his head. “I’m sorry, Tsukki, but… I’m not really… um… I don’t think of you like that anymore. We’re just friends.”

Tsukishima looked at the wall next to him, clicking his tongue. “I thought so. I guess you have Akiteru-nii, now, don’t you?”

The color returned to Yamaguchi’s pale face in the form of a blush. “So you know about us?” A scoff escaped the blondie’s throat as he crossed his arms on the table.

“How could I not? Do I look stupid to you?”

Yamaguchi shrugged, a small smile on his face. “Kind of.” The two shared a soft chuckle before they sat in another soft silence. Yamaguchi broke it. “Tsukki, I’m really sorry, you know? I don’t really like fighting with you, not one bit….”

Though the two had an unspoken agreement that they were sorry for fighting, neither of them had brought it up directly. It seemed important because suddenly, the air around them didn’t seem so thick with guilt.

“I know you don’t like saying sorry, you never have liked it, so I’ll say it for both of us. We’re friends. That’s how it will stay. You have Kuroo-san, I have Akiteru-san, and we’re just… friends. I’m okay with that, I’ve accepted it. I still love you, of course, but maybe not as romantically as platonically.”

By now, the two teens were blushing furiously and avoiding eye contact with one another; the truth was out now, and both of them knew it.

“Thanks, Yamaguchi."

 

\--

 

Practice went well that evening, with Tsukishima and Yamaguchi one hundred percent back to normal. The vibe of practice that night seemed more upbeat and energetic than they had in the previous months. Yamaguchi thought it was because he was finally able to smile genuinely, though he still had to face personal problems.

Tsukishima was as snarky as ever, making sure that he insulted Kageyama and Hinata as much as humanly possible in two hours. All in all, it was surprisingly good.

Yamaguchi went home to find his parents still arguing over the littlest things. Well, maybe they weren’t all that little-- but they were problems that could be fixed. He watched from the front door as his parents stood by the staircase, in each other’s faces, refusing to listen to one another. It hurt, to see his parents in such a state. He was pulled out of his thoughts when he heard his name arise once again.

“Tadashi,” his mother said, calmly, as opposed to when she was talking to his father, “let’s go to the kitchen, okay? You must be hungry from practice.”

Suddenly, Yamaguchi didn’t feel super hungry. His stomach was tied in knots and food wouldn’t help untangle it. Despite feeling repulsed by food, he followed his mom into the open kitchen, his father seething in anger behind him. He took a seat at the familiar table, biting at his lip nervously. He hadn’t spent much time with his parents during his bout of depression. The whole past year had been spent almost completely alone, he realized. His parents hadn’t noticed much of him, besides his failure to be a good son.

Yamaguchi’s mother paced the kitchen floor as a frozen pizza baked in the oven. She looked so tired and done with everything. His father came into the kitchen soon enough, taking a seat next to his son. It almost looked like their family from a year ago.

“Tadashi,” his mother cooed, “I’m very sorry for not being around.” From the corner of his eye, he saw his dad nod slightly.

He hoped this calm wasn’t one as if it were the calm before a storm. It worried him; were his parents divorcing? What exactly was happening? It wasn’t as if his parents hit each other, it couldn’t be that bad could it? His parents were still fairly young-- thirty-six and thirty-seven.

His mother started to speak again. “Sweetheart, your father and I love you. We aren’t going anywhere,” she said with an assuring smile. “I… don’t really know how to tell you, but… I suppose you’re going to be a big brother?”

The realization of what she was implying hit him (hard). “Wait… you aren’t…?” Yamaguchi couldn’t get out a full sentence. His parents gazed at him, both looking worried. “Was… it an accident? Is that why…?” His parents’ expressions changed, and both looked fairly distressed.

“Unfortunately, yes,” his father replied gruffly. “Tadashi, I’m very sorry as well, for anything I may have said that might have hurt you. But, your mother and I, we’re gonna get through it and I believe you’ll be the greatest big brother.”

The desire to shrink into his clothing grew. He didn’t know how to feel about it all. His parents were struggling with money before this could have happened…. Well, he thought, at least they still had a sex life at all. That must be a good sign. Yamaguchi felt like it was all a dream. They weren’t splitting up, he reassured himself; they weren’t fighting over anything that couldn’t be fixed; they were still happy together.

“How long have you known?” he asked slowly. Yamaguchi was predicting about three months, because that was about when their fighting got worse.

“Three months,” they answered simultaneously. He was right. His mom went to take out the pizza as the timer went off and he sat in a silence that was meant to let him think.

“I’m not very hungry,” Yamaguchi murmured, an abrupt feeling of nausea taking over his body instead. He stood and quickly made his way to the bathroom, his parents left sitting in the kitchen, confusion written on their faces.

 

\--

 

After being bent over the toilet for a few minutes, the nausea passed and his stomach went back to knotting up. He texted Akiteru, wondering when he was free next. He needed a stress-relieving activity to take part in as soon as possible.

 _ **[Text; From: Akiteru]** _ i’m free tonight, are you ok?

Yamaguchi’s fingers shook slightly over the keypad of his screen.

 ** _[Text; To: Akiteru]_** not really. a lot has happened today. i’ll tell you later, ok?

 ** _[Text; From: Akiteru]_** yeah yeah, okay. come over whenever you need to.

Yamaguchi took a few deep breaths before exiting the bathroom and returning to the kitchen. “I’m happy for you guys,” he said unenthusiastically. All this time, his parents hadn’t noticed anything different about him. It made him wonder what would happen when his sibling was born, but at the same time, he thought it might be good for him. Maybe it would help him become a better person.

The brunet’s mom walked over to him and gave him a big kiss on the cheek. “I’m glad, sweetheart.” She gave him a hug, which he returned slowly. It felt weird to show affection to his parents. It seemed so long ago when he gave his parents a hug.

“But, um, I have to be somewhere. Tsukki and I have been studying together. He’s helping me with English,” he explained, and his mother nodded.

“Alright. Be home soon, okay?” Yamaguchi nodded and said goodbye, heading out the door to see his boyfriend-not-boyfriend.

 

\--

 

With the story spilled to Akiteru, Yamaguchi couldn’t help but feel a bit helpless. The feeling was present deep down and he wasn’t sure why. Things were looking up, he was able to reject Tsukishima with no guilty feelings, and he had a wonderful guy to help him through it all. So why did he feel so disheartened? He thought it could be his lack of self-confidence. That was always somewhere in the back of his mind.

Feeling frustrated, Yamaguchi gripped his hair and curled himself up on Akiteru’s bed. “I don’t understand,” he whispered. “I’m really… I know things are okay, why am I still so fucking sad?”

A gentle hand was laid on his back, rubbing different shapes into his skin. “Tadashi-kun, maybe you just need a break. You have been through a lot lately. Maybe it’s best that you ignore everything for a little bit. I understand how you must feel, and maybe it’s… just all the change. Everyone has to experience it every once in a while.”

Yamaguchi nodded and continued to take deep breaths. His only known form of coping with stress and his feelings wasn’t an option anymore; he had to do something healthy to cope. He didn’t know what yet, and it was starting to affect him. This day had really taken its toll on him. He realized that he had let his first love go, and that it made him feel better because he knew he didn’t need a person to make him happy.

“Akiteru-kun, can we please…”

Akiteru didn’t make Yamaguchi finish his sentence, but instead laid the boy down and treated him like a prince.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> go me tsukishima is a weakass


End file.
